Total Pageviews

Wednesday, 25 December 2013

MY SISTER FOUND MY BLOG!!!!!

I made a stupid mistake.

I was chatting to my little sister who is only 14 about the fact that I had a secret blog.

She asked how many hits I had had, so I copied the picture from my blog that states my hit counter.

Little did I know that she was then able to right click it and follow the URL!!!

Oh Holy Moly!



She just told me that she found it! How horrifying!

I can't believe it.

It was so embarrassing when she told me, I held my head under the blanket and refused to come out.

After getting over the horrendous moment that my sister knows my husband spanks me and all the little details, :( we sat her down and explained that we are happy.

She is from a broken home and a very unhappy divorced of our parents is still playing heavily on her mind.

I asked her if she thought we were happy. She said yes, that we were the happiest couple she knows.

I told her that this was an integral ingredient to our happiness.

She is too young to see Dd's potential, but maybe she will ask me about it in years to come!

I am still mortified!

Happy Christmas everyone.

C

Tuesday, 17 December 2013

Dd and our changing sex life

Before Dd, our sex life had it's ups and downs.


We had times when we might have sex three times a week, or times when we might go a month without it (though that was rare).

Then came Dd. My uber strong husband who took no messing seemed so attractive to me, so manly, so caring, so protective. Quite frankly there was nothing as attractive as a strong man to me.

I also endeavored to not say no to him sexually.

My entire ethos of sex changed.

I realised that by saying no, he felt rejected, like I was saying I didn't love him. He needed to be close to me in this way. 

I now feel it's my duty to please him in every way. By being polite and loving, by being kinds, by trying hard to keep the hormones at bay! And by allowing him full access to my body, as often as he needs.

Don't get me wrong, he doesn't use this to take advantage of me.  He senses by body language and acts accordingly. This means he is more in tune to me and I am more understanding of his sexual needs.

It works for us! 

Yet another pro for our strange Dd lifestyle!




Friday, 6 December 2013

Pregnancy - How to deal with Dd?

This is my third pregnancy (well fifth, but I am hoping this one is successful).

It is really hard to deal with Dd when you are pregnant.

The last time, my hub was of a quandary. He didn't know whether to spank me or not. He was worried that he may do harm to the baby, either physically or by increasing my blood pressure (I have suffered from that in the past).

I have always thought that Dd can work without spanking. I have always thought that a man can be in charge without the tool behind him. And I am sure that would work, but not for us.

He finds it hard when he doesn't have something that he can use, either as a threat or an implication to keep me the loving wife that I am.

The other thing of course is dreaded hormones.

I know many of my Dd friends out there are pre menopausal and I really feel for them. The same hot flushes the same mood swings, but without a baby inside them (and possible spanking protection).

My beloved said something very strange the other day.

I wondered why he hadn't told me off for being rude as he would have done when I am not pregnant.

He said. 'I know that isn't my loving wife talking, it's your hormones.'

I was gobsmacked. Does he think that there is an ogre inside me? Maybe I can use this to my advantage.

'No darling, I didn't spend £50 on ebay, it was the hormones'....'No darling I didn't swear at you, it was the hormones'.

Do you think it will work?

Monday, 25 November 2013

Suprise Suprise

I haven't blogged for a while.

Life has been ridiculous.

We spent 7 days sleeping in a bed next to our 5 month old in hospital, who had pneumonia.

Then the day we got discharged, we found out that we are pregnant.

My whole world has turned upside down.

I almost died two years ago after a miscarriage and then again after my baby was born. My uterus hemorrhages when under stress. I have suffered from a bad dose of PTDS and PND and just when my world finally makes sense again, I get slapped in the face with this.

Yes I know we should have prevented this, but seriously we are just very fertile.

I don't know what to think.

I am terrified I won't cope with a four year old, a one year old and a new born. I am terrified that I might die if things don't go to plan, despite my local midwifery team being amazing (they have come up with a course of action for everything).

I am scared that my children won't have the loving upbringing that I so desperately crave to give to them.

I am scared for so many reasons.


Monday, 11 November 2013

Spread the Dd word?

I just had a lovely conversation with a British documentary maker.



It was nice to chat to someone openly about Dd who was interested in listening.

However I managed to articulate Dd, she was quite receptive to it.

She seemed to understand the normal relationship dynamics of power struggles, dominant shouty women and week men.

I asked her if she was convinced at the end of the conversation and she said, 'yeah, it makes total sense'!

I am very obstinately opposed to trying to change how others think about things but maybe I have my first convert!

If anyone fancies talking to this lovely lady, drop me an email mummyinthecountry@gmail.com

It can't do any harm! It was actually very fun.

C

Tuesday, 5 November 2013

Fingers crossed for my baby

On Friday, my 4-month-old was taken by ambulance to hospital.

She was diagnosed with pneumonia.

She wasn't eating and has been put on o2 to help her breathe.

It was really sad to see her struggling and with tubes coming out of her nose and a monitor attached to her toe.

Poor little thing. We are still here.



My husband refuses to leave the room. So he and I have been sharing a single pull-out bed next to her cot.

Today they are testing how she copes without the oxygen machine. Fingers crossed it works.

We really miss our eldest, a 3 and 1/4 year old who is staying with Nanny.

Hopefully we will be able to get out soon and be together again as a family, minus the breathing tubes.

C

Saturday, 26 October 2013

The way Dd affects my man

I was going to write the way Dd affects a man but it may not be the case with everyone.

I had an epiphany recently.

I realised that if I were to tell the majority of my left-wing, feminist, dominant female friends the way we live, they would think that my husband was a nasty piece of work.

They would probably thing that he took advantage of me, that by being dominant I was somehow not allowed to have an opinion, my well being ignored and only his whim catered for.

But really it is the opposite.

I have given my lovely boy full control. In giving up any control I have in our relationship, be it sex, money, social life or housework, he has all the control, but that doesn't mean that he takes advantage.



In fact I think that quite the opposite happens. He is forced to put his wife and children first.

Because he has full responsibility of everything, he listens more.

When I allow him full control in the bedroom, does he take it whenever he wants it? - Well yes! But he also is very intuitive to my needs and feelings. If he senses that I really am too tired or am not in the mood, he chooses to respect my feelings. The result is that he is never sexually unsatisfied and I don't have to resort to telling him 'I have a headache' or making him feel sexually rejected.

The same goes for any decision that he makes. He intuitively listens to what I need and what I want. Our lifestyle has encouraged him to be even more considerate than he was four years ago.

And if I feel that he isn't listening to what is best for our family, or ignoring my needs, I voice them. But to be honest it is very rare.

By giving him full responsibility he feels the weight of it on his shoulders, guiding him towards the right decision.

Without Dd in our lives, what would the alternative be? We would both be vying for control with one of us choosing to back down when the arguments reach astronomic level. Or my husband would take a back seat, allowing me to lead in his absence (as is the case with most of our friends). He also wouldn't have that weight of responsibility guiding him, driving him to protect us all.

I really think this lifestyle is the reason why we are so happy, so in love with each other and so passionate about our family, 7 years after we met.

And long may it continue.

Wednesday, 23 October 2013

It's the small things

I have recently been talking to a friend who is new to Dd.

It has been fascinating to watch someone else's journey from the very start. (of course not literally watching now that would be odd)


It has allowed me to take a step back and appreciate what we have achieved but also where we can improve. I realised that it really isn't any large gesture that is needed for this lifestyle to work, it is the small things.

My husband is very thankful for my submission. By submission I mean, I respect his judgement in all things. 

Well, I say all things, I try my best! - But I think I can always improve, just as we can always improve in all areas in life.

I want to make him happy. He works very hard to protect our family and to financially support us and I too want to take care of him.

The little things that I choose to do are:

Wake him with a coffee in the morning on a day he won't want to wake up early.
Make him his favorite breakfast in bed.
Kiss him passionately when he least expects it.
Try as hard as I can to listen and seem interested when he is talking about motor sport or something that I really don't care about.
Ask his permission when I am doing something that he may not approve of.
Allow him to lead in all things.
Allow him to lead in the bedroom. If he wants to make love I try as hard as I can not to reject him.
Try as hard as I can to be attractive. I know he loves me to wear dresses, so I wear them most days. He actually thanked me the other day for trying hard with how I look.

So there you have it, my recipe of small things to make my husband feel king of our family.  And he treats me like a queen in return. The more submissive I am in our marriage the more he leads. I don't have to try and help him to lead, I just have to submit, to openly show that I am willing to follow him and he leads with his head held high.

So to anyone out there worrying that her man needs help to lead, just submit. It took me a while to truly feel submission in my heart, but you can still show submission my little gestures and that feeling in your heart will follow in time.


Tuesday, 15 October 2013

The seat belt that broke the camels back

I wrote about not strapping my children into the car a few times!

There is no excuse for it.

My babies are not safe in my care so my husband quite rightly dealt with it.

I thought he was going to dust off the paddle from the cupboard, where it has resided for the past year or so, but no!

For a seat belt issue, he chose to use his belt on my seat! - Darn.

It has been a seriously long time since he used his belt and boy does it chafe!

I said that there is not excuse for it.

Well actually, it turns out there is!

I have Acute Stress Disorder and have a tendency to switch off.

My brain seems to turn itself off when faced with any small insignificant things and instead I end up in dream land. This happens when I am at work, when people are talking to me and when I am driving!

My beloved and I didn't realise that I was doing this and that it may be the cause of me forgetting to strap the kids in the car.

Oh dear.

I hadn't realised quite how bad it was until I passed a red light last week.

My husband would normally have been furious, especially as I had both the kids in the car and ended up stuck in a one way system with oncoming traffic coming!

I was also on my way to see my psyche nurse at the time who told me in no uncertain terms that I am not well enough to drive! - Not sure why I didn't see this before.

My darling man agreed and my keys were taken away! Poop!

I hope I will be able to drive again soon, I live in the middle of nowhere and feel very isolated now!

Well there is one positive, if it prevents me from getting a spanking then maybe I shall walk from now on!


Monday, 7 October 2013

Learning to let go

I think that learning to let go is that hardest thing for a Dd woman.

It is so hard to give up the need to control things.

My husband as always been in charge when it comes to major decisions. He tells me that right at the beginning of our relationship, before we had even heard of Dd, I used to ask permission for things.

But that fire within me to control is strong.  It stems from childhood and my upbringing.

Although my husband has been the boss for many years now, my nature to try and control in times when I feel vulnerable is still very much there.

It is hard to trust the strength of my husband 100% of the time and sometimes, when I need it the most, I feel around to check if it is there, if I can't find it I tend to bring my control back into play as some sort of self defense mechanism.

Poor man, my darling husband shouldn't be expected to demonstrably show his leadership all the time but I think my nature as a depressive, and as a woman who was let down a lot as a child, needs to feel it more often than he realises.

The thing is that I just need to let go. I need to take a deep breath and trust him.

Allow him room to lead and know that whatever happens he is there for me and will catch me when I fall when things get really bad.




Sunday, 6 October 2013

The inevitable is coming!

There is a time in every Dd wife's life when they know that the inevitable is coming!

They know that the thing they have done warrants a particularly bad spanking.

They know that the implement, that usually resides at the back of the cupboard, will be dusted off and come out into the light for it's biannual outing to the land of RedBackside.

I blogged earlier on this month about the fact that I keep forgetting to use the seatbelt for my children.

I have already been spanked for this twice in the last month and yet the other day, the worst happened!

I did it again!


So tonight, when the kids are in bed and dinner is eaten, the paddle is coming out! 

It has been a good 18 months since I saw it last and that isn't long enough ago!

Wood is not meant to hit bottoms! There is just no give in it! 

My time has come, I am due for the executioners knee, and it won't be pretty!

Have a good evening all, I know I won't!

C

Thursday, 3 October 2013

Minister accused of spanking women worshipers

This article was published in the UK national press today, entitled, 'Minister accused of spanking women worshipers'.

http://www.thetimes.co.uk/tto/news/uk/crime/article3885223.ece

I received an email and following phone call yesterday from the reporter wanting a quote from a practicing couple.



Unfortunately for her and for the Dd community, I told her that we do Dd and not CDD, and she wanted a CDD quote.

It was nice to talk to someone anonymously about our lifestyle and why it helps my marriage, but it was hard to know that she didn't absorb any of it! - I could hear her judging me in her apparent unbiased questions.

It is a shame that I couldn't be quoted as I told her that this example of DD or CDD was horrifying and that Dd should be only between a loving husband and wife and always be consensual.

I tried to stick up for us all, but alas I wasn't the right person for the job!

Maybe next time?

I was approached by a documentary maker as well, so perhaps I can help defend our cause then.

We shall have to wait and see.

C

Sunday, 29 September 2013

"Women love to be submissive and love it when a man takes charge"

I posted the following post on Facebook this week, to see what the reaction would be.

Considering I generally am friends with strong, outspoken, politically minded women, I expected it to rile a few people up.

http://elitedaily.com/dating/sex/truth-women-dominated/
"Women love to be submissive and love it when a man takes charge" according to this article. What dyou recon girls?





Not sure why I did it.  I guess I wanted to see just how differently I think to the rest of my friends.  Plus I know that only the people who were angered by the article would comment.

This is what some of my friends said.


'Bollocks'

'Is the chap in the pic going to spank that poor girl with a surfboard? Seems a bit draconian to me...perhaps he misunderstood her request to "paddle my backside" '

'Big round, apple steaming donkey plop of nonsense'

'Dull. It's the kind of stuff people say in the pub. And when I say people, I mean idiots'

'Utter rubbish'


Can you guess which one is my husband! haha!

So tell me what you think. I completely agree with the article myself, for my own relationship. this articulates how I feel.

But I would love to know your opinion.

C

Saturday, 28 September 2013

back handed by accident

I am feeling a little brighter today! - Hooray and thank goodness as yesterday was a bad day!

I have a little story to make you laugh - how an entire restaurant thought I was a battered wife!

It was my wedding anniversary a few weeks ago and we marked the occasion by getting a baby sitter for the first time in the evening since having our second daughter.

It was lovely. The baby sitter was our lovely next door neighbor and in return I babysat her boys the following week.

It was so nice to go out with my beloved. We went to our favorite wood fired pizza and cider bar where they make amazing pizzas from local ingredients and have a million different ciders to choose from.



We were sat there enjoying our pizza, when my darling husband went to the bar. He left his mobile phone on the table and I could help myself, I decided to Frape him (change his facebook profile).

I was sat there giggling to myself while I told the world how much he loved Justin Bieber and I didn't realise he had sat back down next to me.

'What are you doing?' he said.

Shocked, I quickly held the phone in the opposite direction, giving me enough time to click on the 'post' button, and the same time as he lunged to grab the phone.

His giant 6'7" hands moved so quickly and so did I that he accidentally thumped me in the face in the squabble for the phone. It was a proper back-hander (if an accidental one!).

I shrieked loudly and held my face as everyone in the restaurant stared in our direction. I then burst into tears, out of shock I think, though my cheek was throbbing slightly.

He felt terrible.

It didn't ruin our evening though and within 15 minutes we were laughing about it.


So that is how I was thumped in my face on my wedding anniversary! - that will give the blog commenters, who think I am a battered wife, something to moan about!

C

Friday, 27 September 2013

Acute Stress Disorder

I blogged about having post natal depression.

It is slow going and bonding with my baby when she is screaming is ultra hard.

I have recently been diagnosed as having acute stress disorder, which essentially PTSD. It stems from the fact that I almost died shortly after labor, and quite frankly would have without the amazing NHS.

I blank out often and find myself thinking about aspects of the birth.  I see the faces of my midwives in random stranger's faces.

I panic all day. I often want to run as fast as I can and not come back.

My daughter is beautiful and clearly loves me, but it's so hard to bond with her.

She just doesn't feel like mine.

I was getting better, but now I seem to be struggling again. It's like dragging myself up hill through treacle.

I find at times that I don't want to be with her, she won't settle and I feel like I shouldn't be settling her because she isn't my child.

I don't want to feel like this any more. I want it to stop, but it's hard to see an end to these feelings.  It's like drowning and not knowing how to swim.

Wednesday, 25 September 2013

Domestic discipline four years in

This lifestyle in the beginning was hard.

There were ups and downs,


there were tears, there were tantrums.




It was hard to understand how to do it or how to create this lifestyle when no one we knew practiced it.

So, like everyone in this modern age, we, or more correctly I, searched online for information, advice, friendship and companions.

I needed to fell like I was doing it 'right'. I wanted to follow another's lead, instead of allowing my husband to lead and create his own path.

I have also seen the same in many other Dd women, who want the lifestyle to work.

It's dangerous to compare ourselves and I found myself getting agitated if our Dd marriage didn't fit the mold that I had seen online.

In the early days our lifestyle swayed from being over strict with harsh punishments and an obsession on the rules, to inconsistency and a laid back approach.

It was hard to know where we stood in domestic discipline, especially in the UK, where we have no friends of family who practice it.

Now we have found our own way and life is good.

My husband doesn't need to impose strict rules as I am now naturally submissive.  He rarely punishes me, and when he does he is firm but fair.

We only gain now from it, not lose in any way.

Our bond is so strong and we have no power struggle like all the families around us.

I wish we hadn't had to go through the highs and lows in the early days, but that's life I guess and that's learning.


Tuesday, 24 September 2013

Dangerous behaviour

There are times when you have to admit that you deserve a spanking. Yesterday was one of those days.

I have only been spanked three times in the last year. This is because I was pregnant and then had a new born baby to contend with.  Now things are back to normal again and we have our evenings back and that means opportunities for Mummy and Daddy time.

Recently I was given a car by my Nan.  It's old but brilliant for running the kids to preschool or popping into town for something.  The problem is that I am used to my husband's car and usually my husband strapping everyone in before going somewhere.

For some unearthly reason, in my new car, I regularly forget to strap my eldest into her car seat.  When this first started happening, she told me, 'Mummy I'm not strapped in'. But recently she hasn't told me and I haven't realised until we have reached our destination.

I should probably tell you at this point that I am also not the world's best driver.  I honestly don't consciously take risks but I also manage to cause problems on the road.  In the past 5 years I have been convicted of driving without due care and attention, for crossing a red light and the same set of traffic lights twice and also once fell asleep at the wheel, hitting a family and almost killing myself (the entire left hand side of the car was crushed.)



I am not proud of this but my husband, quite rightly, is rather worried about me driving.

I don't go far, normally within 4 miles of my home, no long runs.

So when, at first my husband discovered that I hadn't strapped my daughter in, he gave me a serious telling off.

A week goes by and I do it again - bummer! I text him this time, chickened out as I knew what would happen, and he replied with, 'thank you for telling me darling, we shall have to deal with it when the children are in bed'.  Then just after I sent the text, I did it again! twice in one day, OH MY GOSH - what's wrong with me!



So that evening, while the kids were in bed, I found myself in a similar position over my husband's knee.

Just before, he said to me, 'If you do this again, it will be much worse and I will take your car keys away'.

The next day I went to pick my daughter up from preschool, with my baby daughter in her car seat in the back. As I was driving I suddenly realised that I had forgotten to strap her car seat into the car! OH MY GOSH! I can't believe it, even after a spanking I still forgot.

There were no words for it! I deserved it, I endangered my children. I don't think I have ever been spanked for something that I knew was totally my fault before. I mean I have always agreed but this time it was different.  There were no arguments, no reasons or excuses.

It was one of those spankings when I squirmed at first but just law there after a while and waited for it to stop.

So after a year of being spanked once, I have now been spanked twice in one week! I guess it's like buses one doesn't come for ages, then three come along at the same time.



C'est la vie!



Friday, 20 September 2013

Time out of being a Mum is healthy

I feel that I am a good Mum.

I believe in structure, but withing that structure my daughter has lots of freedom.

I am happy for her to make a mess, to get muddy and run around in puddles.

We read lots of books, paint pictures and bake cakes.

I want her to learn to make her own decisions and mistakes but I am also firm.

I don't spank my children r lay a finger on them but I am strict and they do as they are told.

I feel we have a good balance.

I am practically a stay at home Mum, I work two mornings a week, but otherwise I look after my children and take care of our home.

I recently went back to work after having my second baby. She was only 12 weeks old but it was so freeing.

I get into my car, knowing my babies are safe with their wonderful Daddy, and I instantly feel empowered.

I never thought I would enjoy working so much. I teach English as a foreign language and help my students to get better jobs or achieve citizenship.  It is challenging but very rewarding.

Today my husband and I are going to the cinema and leaving our girls with my mother-in-law.  I am excited to spend time with my husband without having nappies to change, drawing to coo at, or tears to dry.

I love  my girls more than life itself, but it is so wonderful to have some Mummy time, alone.  I come back fresh and filled with new energy.

So Mums everywhere, it is healthy to have time away from your kids, it makes us better parents.  Enjoy your time alone, so that you can enjoy your time with your little ones better!


Thursday, 19 September 2013

Judging others

I may be different to other people who read my blog.

I may be different from other people in the street.

I may be different to my friends and to people I know.

I would never judge others who choose to live a certain way, and yet I myself am judged.



If I found out someone I knew was being beaten by her husband, I would be horrified.

If I thought that a woman was cowering in the corner of the room or was afraid of her husband, I would be very upset and want to help them.  This would not be a loving marriage.

This is not what this relationship is.  I am happy, I am not afraid of my husband, he is loving, I am loving.  I am not brain washed, nor beaten, I am not crazy or insane, nor am I abused.

My husband is in charge, but if you knew us you would think that we are any ordinary couple.  No actually you would think that we have a great relationship, that we are loving and openly affectionate.  We listen to each other and support each other.  We have been together for 7 years and are as madly in love as ever, two kids into our marriage.

But when people hear that my husband spanks me, they instantly jump to conclusions.  The fact that he is man enough to sort out an argument, that if I am shouting or swear at him or disrespect him and he deals with the situation, he is abusing me, and if people know that I am happy with this situation, they instantly think that I am brainwashed! Why can't they accept that this is us, that we are happy?

My husband and I do not spank or smack our children.  We are firm, but loving but I don't hit them because I believe that it wouldn't achieve anything and only teaches them to hit others.  However I consent that my husband chooses what is necessary in our marriage, spanking or otherwise.

Here are some of the things people have said to me on my blog:

"Do you not feel worthy enough to make your own rules or decide them together?"

"A man taking the lead in his marriage would not have to hit his wife, period. And a really strong man would tell you to grow the hell up and hold up your end of the bargain and if you didn't know how to do that he would assist you without physical violence. A real man wouldn't allow you to lower yourself to the level of a child (which is what you are doing and why it feels so "freeing") and would encourage you to become a woman. Grow the hell up and quit making women in general look bad and weak."

"So who spanks husband when he stuffs up."

"A bit selfish of you women to let this happen."

"You all need help. There is no relationship in which spanking is acceptable. Couple therapy helps a lot. Give it a try! Otherwise, call the police."

"WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS THIS SHIT, WHAT THE FUCK. LIKE ARE U FUCKING SERIOUS? FUCK. "

"Either you all like it in some way, or you just don't understand your rights as a human being."

"stand up women this is ur life and u should live it how u want as long as it dont hurt u or any1 els..i have a husband and he is the best thing we may have r problems but the first time he hit me in any way he would b in prison or dead.."

"This is about controlling another person, not about living better. Some of us evidently need to feel that they are controlled, and some need to control."

"What a bunch of stupid, ignorant and even evil women. Your BS is really sickening."

"I feel bad. I can't help but read about woman who participate in this type of relationship without thinking they are incredibly weak and pathetic for not being able to control themselves by themselves."

"A happy relationship isn't all about you sacrificing... it is two-sided. A person who truly loves you won't want you to suffer. Please... wake up."

"This is one really awful lifestyle."

"one problem is that many of these HOH males are total assholes who don't deserve the respect they can only get by physical force. Haven't read enough here to form an opinion of this one.) "

"He is treating you like a child not like a mature adult."


The ironic thing is many women would love a man to swoop her off her feet and take control, they just don't know it.  After all, why was 50 Shades of Grey, the infamously terribly written book so popular in the UK, the US and around the world??

So lets not judge each other.

My husband spanks me, I let him, I don't like the act at the time but I love that he is in charge and takes no messing!

I am loved, I feel safe and cared for.

He is strong and calm and a wonderful father and husband.

I consent to this marriage and am not a freak for doing so!

I am not abused, nor brain washed, nor a sadomasochistic as I have been accused.

Thanks to this marriage, there is no power struggle, no fighting, we are happy.

C


Tuesday, 17 September 2013

Half a million page views THANKS!

Today we hit 500,000 page views, so thanks everyone!


It's been a ball!

Thank you for reading, thank you for lurking and thanks even more for saying hey.

I love meeting new people, especially in this strange community of ours, so come a long and say howdy.

If you are an HOH in a Domestic Discipline relationship, if you are TIH in a Domestic Discipline relationship, if you are Taken in hand in the UK, or if you just have your bottom spanked by your beloved. I want to hear from you all.

Thanks for reading.

C

x

Sunday, 15 September 2013

Coming out of the Dd closet

I've always been relatively open about the fact that my beloved wears the trousers in our relationship.

Open to my friends that is. I pretty much admit to Dd, apart from the spanking part!

I'm not sure my friends would understand every aspect of domestic discipline.  Most of my friends are liberal, left-wing, politically minded, vegetable growing, parents. The type of people who campaign about the fact that their allotment has been spayed with pesticides! ( An actual conversation that I had with a friend yesterday!)

Some are religious, though most are not. But most wouldn't understand my husband spanking me.  I think it is just so far from the cultural norm here.  I think it's too much to ask most of my outspoken friends to see a difference between Domestic discipline and domestic abuse. Of course you and I both know that there are two main differences between them. Firstly consent, I allow my husband to do it if he deems it necessary and if I remove consent he doesn't do it.  And secondly I am happy and so is my husband and my children, who incidentally are not spanked!

But this week I told a friend of mine.  I told her everything about Domestic discipline. Of course I told her everything bar the spanking part first and allowed her to digest it, then told her that my husband spanked me from time to time.

I was a wimp, I told her on facebook chat and waited nervously for her to digest it.  When I didn't get a reply I asked her what she thought. It turns out she was laughing too hard to type!

The reason I told her is that she is, quite possibly the least judgmental person I know.

She is lovely and kind and caring and a great Mum.  She is recently having a hard time at the moment and I wish I could do more to help her.

She had undiagnosed hip displacement and it has left her in a wheel chair at 25.  She is in pain every day and there is no cure, no easy fix. I feel so terrible, I want to help but can't. She is also so positive and has such an amazing spirit and energy. If you didn't know her you wouldn't think she was suffering, you always think she is happy.

So at least me telling her that my husband spanks my bottom made her giggle!

It is hard telling anyone about Domestic Discipline, but with my friend, I knew she would never judge me.  I didn't think twice about it.

When someone is as positive as she is, life seems a whole lot easier.

We have to be thankful for what we have.


Saturday, 14 September 2013

Domestic discipline isn't easy

I recently had an email from a reader who said that her marriage in Domestic Discipline was difficult at times and she compared it to mine, saying that it wasn't as plain sailing as mine.

Perhaps I haven't expressed as many negatives as positives on my blog.

Domestic discipline isn't easy.

We are now four years or so into this type of marriage and it is now natural but it wasn't always so easy.

In truth there were many times when I thought, domestic discipline is too hard, I can't do it.

There was even a break of 4 months or so where we stopped domestic discipline entirely. We reached rock bottom, stale mate, a brick wall, what ever you want to call it and decided to stop. I was being obstinate and refusing to cooperate and my beloved didn't feel like he could control me.



In truth I think back in those days it was so hard to understand what domestic discipline was, where we fit into it all and how we could make it work.

After months of not having domestic discipline in our lives, we ended up being drawn back again. It was calling out to us. We initially tried him being in charge and me doing as I was told without the dreaded spanking part. But we soon found that there had to be some sort of punishment to try and avoid as an incentive.

It took us lots of time, years in fact to understand how to make our lives in domestic discipline work for us and quite simply I think the answer was to stop trying quite so hard. I just needed to relax and trust my husband, allow him to lead how he chooses to lead.

I remember being cross about the fact that he wasn't being, as I saw it 'consistent'.  It felt like he didn't seem to care if he didn't react in a way I expected him to about something.  I think in all honesty I was still trying to control the situation. I was still trying to say how domestic discipline was going to work for us.

In the end, and over time I have given in, allowed him room to lead, stopped making domestic discipline such a focus in our lives and it has all settled down.

He is in charge, I otherwise live my life the way I choose to but with a big pair of strong arms to catch me if things go wrong.  It is a wonderful safety net that I have come to adore and depend on.

But was it easy? No way! Domestic discipline is hard. My advice to you if you are in those difficult early stages is, relax, stay calm, remember how much you love each other and all will be good in the end!

Have a great day.

C

Saturday, 7 September 2013

Postnatal depression hell

I've written about our difficult labor but thought I would write a little about my struggles with postnatal depression.

I have had depression before, but postnatal depression is hell.

I have spent the last three years and the entirety of my daughter's life trying to be a good mum, not a mother like I had growing up.

I feel that I am succeeding in this. That was until daughter number two, who arrived so quickly (in 30 minutes) and left me so poorly (I almost died or blood loss) that it didn't feel like I had had a child.

Every time I looked at her it was like viewing her through 2 inches of perspex.

Every time I held her, it was like I was wearing thick gloves.

Every time she smiled I felt nothing.

Every time she cried I was terrified.

These horrible feelings made me think that I was no better than my horrible mother was when I was growing up and in turn, I felt like I shouldn't be here. I felt that having a mother like mine would be worse than not having a mother at all.

Once I saw my little baby smile and giggle at my husband, I realised that it hurt me to see her so happy because I knew that she deserved better.

It was like I woke up one day and someone had placed a baby in my life and suddenly I had to look after her.

A friend of mine once said, 'Oh C, she is wonderful' and I said, 'Is she?' Not that I thought she wan't lovely, but that I truly couldn't appreciate it.

So as I said, Hell!

After 12 weeks, medication, a weekly visit from a psychiatric nurse, a wonderful health visitor and an incredible husband I am now feeling happy.

Actually happy.

Before my brain wouldn't function, it switched off. There were days where I couldn't see straight, my husband talking to me didn't register in my mind, I was numb and unable to feel anything.

But I last night and tonight I managed to put both my children to bed together while my husband was at work.

That is a huge achievement.

I feel I love my daughter.

She still doesn't feel mine, but I know how lovely she is.  And we are bonding each and every day.

Long may it continue!

C

Friday, 6 September 2013

And we're back

Finally we are getting back to our old selves after such a traumatic labor and are finally getting used to our new life with a three year old and a 2 month old.

I have had lots of help to come to terms with what happened and have been suffering from PND, thankfully I seem to be emerging back into the sunlight again! Thanks to some great counselling and antidepressants.

Having been pregnant along with everything else that has followed, spanking hasn't really been high up on our agenda. My husband however is clearly realising this also and saying things like, 'behave yourself' when he leaves for work and gently tapping me on the behind when we are in public!

It's so lovely to have such a strong husband, he has been so wonderful. Firstly looking after and feeding our baby while I was critically ill after our labor, and now in the role he does best, as a strong and loving husband and father.

He helps with night feeds, stops me from falling into a pit of despair, even if that is what my instincts are telling me and just generally being wonderful and supportive.

It is certainly nice to be feeling like new again, just as well as I start working part time next week!


Friday, 19 July 2013

Baby is one month old!

She is here, our lovely, beautiful daughter.

It didn't exactly go as planned.

Well, quite frankly that is a huge understatement!

A month ago one evening, when I was a week over due, my daughter woke me up in the middle of the night crying.

I though it was strange, as it rarely happens.  I went into her room and sung her back to sleep.

I felt odd, strange feelings down below, but nothing to suspect that I might soon be in labor.

I sat in bed and my waters broke, all over the bed.

I walked downstairs to call my husband, who was on his way back from work, and in the time it took me to go downstairs, I was in full blown labor.

My husband arrived within ten minutes and began filling the pool.

Ten minutes later I screamed for him to come upstairs as my labor was very intense with barely any gaps between contractions.

He came upstairs.

'I need the loo' I said and he sat on the bath and I sat on the loo.

I then had a sudden need to push, but for a second told my self that I was insane, it had only been 25 minutes since my first contraction.

I stood up from the toilet. Screamed at my husband to call an ambulance and delivered my daughter myself while standing in the bathroom.

I am seriously not joking! My first labor was 21 hours, this one was 30 minutes.

It would have been a dream labor if the story had ended there.

Unfortunately it didn't end there.

Within 30 minutes I was lying on my landing floor surrounded by three midwives and two paramedics who were trying to stop me bleeding at a dangerous rate.

After making me stable, blue lights to hospital and twenty very serious medical professionals around my bedside.  I was rushed to theater to stop my bleeding.

My poor husband was literally left holding the baby.

It was estimated that I had lost over 3 liters of blood and was given a four pint blood transfusion.

A month later and I am much better.  My husband is slightly less traumatized having watched as his wife was critically ill, in shock and in and out of consciousness. And the best part was my daughter is beautiful and lovely at 9lb 2oz at birth!

Life is getting back to a new normal - despite the minimal sleep!

I will keep you all posted.

Take care
C

Sunday, 26 May 2013

I'm about ready to drop!

It's two weeks till my due date and life has really slowed down!



I am not very good at sitting still, one of my husband's problems when it comes to controlling me! But as of this week I have been forced to do less.

Less projects, less baking, less running around and meeting different friends each day. Less working, less allotment digging, less everything.

I have even plugged in my television now that I will have time to sit down and watch it.

I stopped working last week, which was a God-send and I am officially waiting for it all to kick off!

We are planning a birth at home, which is very common in the area where I live and we are lucky to have the  facilities here, whereby two midwives will be at home with me when I deliver our new baby.

It is all very exciting.

I shall keep you all posted.

Oh, and Dd? My husband is still in charge.  The home birth actually means that he has lots of control and ultimately makes a lot of the decisions of the big day.

Our entire life is dominated by the fact that baby no.2 is on it's way, but I think he is looking forward to my hormones becoming more stable and me being in a fit state to return back over his knee!





Saturday, 13 April 2013

Moving house

My life has been crazy over the past 6 weeks.

I am now under two months away from giving birth, my cold that I last wrote about, turned into Flu and serious infection that left me in bed, unable to move for a month.

I am now better, thank goodness but we have just moved house.

We lived in the center of a small town in Dorset and have now relocated to a tiny village in the middle of the country.



My views of a busy town road and street lights have been replaced by horses and rolling fields, it's lovely here, but moving house while this pregnant, has been crazy!

My lovely husband spent a week before we moved painting and striping beams and replacing light fittings and I am now sat in a lovely home.

I was even able to paint clouds and a mural around my daughter's bedroom.

Because I was so ill, I didn't manage to pack very much and my husband was busy doing up the new house and working.  Come moving day, a party of 8 of our friends arrived, the girls packed boxes while the boys moved the furniture and carried the boxes in and out of vans and cars.

One of my friends was packing up my bedroom and just went for it, packing our entire room, including the wardrobes, including everything in the back of my husband's wardrobe!

It only dawned on me when I went back upstairs to see that my room was empty that she must have found our entire spanking implement collection and packed it for us!

When I arrived at our new home I was unpacking boxes.  I pulled the tape off of one to reveal  a pile of my husband's clothes with the following at the top, all neatly placed together; a cane, two switches, a belt, a wooden spoon, a wooden paddle, a garden cane and a rubber spatula!

Holy moly! My friend didn't say anything, but there is no doubt about the fact that she now thinks we are seriously into BDSM!!!

They were all joking that they would find sex toys in my things but my countryside-raised devout catholic girlfriend must have had quite a shock! We shall see if her and I ever speak of it! It will probably come out in years to come over many, many glasses of wine!!!

Wednesday, 6 March 2013

Being Sick

I shall keep this short.

I'm sick.



I spent the day running around.

First a play date, then pregnancy yoga class, then rushed home and baked lemon curd and raspberry madeleines, which look yummy.  Then, right before the baby sitter was due to come round and I was ready to go to my weekly girl's evening, my cold morphed into flu.

I am now sat in bed feeling horrible and thoroughly sorry for myself.

And to make it worse, my big man put his foot down (he actually said, 'I am putting both feet down!) and stopped me from going out, to be honest I wouldn't have made it out of the door.

It is all good and well that he said that I had to stay home, but now he has run off to host a radio show and I am sat in bed, with not enough energy to get downstairs to make food and I am hungry :(.

Does anyone want to come round to mine and make me some tea? Anyone?.....

Hello.......

Bummer...

Friday, 1 March 2013

You will do as you're told...

'Oh, just do as you're told'

Said the wife to the husband...

Wait wife? Really? - I hear you cry.

Well certainly in those marriages where the wife walks all over her poor weak husband, who feels demoralized and lacking in confidence every time she does.  Surely though, not in a marriage such as mine, where my man rules the roost and I pride myself on submission.

Well... ummm.... maybe I did let this sentence slip out the other night! oops! the second I did I was horrified.



Picture the scene.

My itchy-handed husband, tall, sometimes scary, though loving, was sat on the bed planning the refurbishment of an old child's bike for our daughter's birthday.

I was stood watching him doing it, wanting to interfere, telling him how to sand it down, how to put on the primer, what lacquer to use.

It isn't my fault really.  I was raised by my father, the DIY God, who rebuilt our childhood homes himself, plumed in the central heating, bathrooms, replaced the roovs and plastered.

When my friends were playing with Barbie dolls, I was stripping paint, spacing tiles and staining wood.

My husband however is....hmmm....how do I put this...more of a thinker, an artist and certainly not a DIY-er.



In all honesty in the past he has struggled to hang a picture.

So when I asked him to help me convert an old wooden bicycle, I understandably had my doubts.

So we were sat in the bedroom and he was questioning all of my decisions of how to convert the bike, despite having little prior experience in DIY.

Without thinking I realised the words, 'Oh would you just do as you're told' came out of my mouth.

He stood there staring and horrified.

I couldn't help myself.  I was so shocked and stunned that I had probably said the worst thing to wind up my husband that I sat there giggling nervously.



RED RAG TO A BULL...

I was over the end of the bed, faster than you can say 'paddle'.

And you know what, the bike was glorious!

Next time I shall keep my trap shut!

 


Saturday, 23 February 2013

My husband is not a fan of practical jokes

I have always had a naughty side.



At school I would always do things that were purposefully naughty, despite knowing that I would incur the wrath of my teachers.

I regularly had a mischievous glint in my eye and not much has changed really since I became an adult, mother and wife.

I am constantly winding my beloved husband up, he often says, 'you are a naughty woman', but I usually stay within the lines of polite and loving, and rarely end up OTK after being intentionally badly behaved.

The operative word there is 'USUALLY'!

This week I did something slightly silly.

A few months ago my husband was getting changed, while back stage at a gig (he is a musician).

He was pulling silly poses in the mirror and I took a few photos on my phone, weeing myself with laughter as I did so.

He realised what I was doing and tried to delete them.  I begged him not to, mainly because they made me laugh so much. But he made me swear that I wouldn't put them on Facebook.

I understand why.  His Facebook is for work.  As a musician he contacts his fans on there and has to keep a certain distance from them.  He never puts anything personal on there, it is all music related.

So I did as I was told, like the diligent wife I am.



Then a few months went by and the photos were sat there on my phone.

After a time I had completely forgotten about them.

Then one day, while searching through my old photos, I found them.

And once I knew they were there, it was like they were calling to me.
'Come on, put us on Facebook, think how funny it will be', they kept saying to me.

After considering the ramifications of my actions for a long enough amount of time (approximately three and a half minutes), I put them on facebook, all of them.  Some of him pouting in the mirror, some of him flexing his muscles, and all of them topless.

Then I waited for him to discover them.

I kept laughing all day, until my husband came at me looking like this...


Then he said something long and lecturing about disobedience.

And I ended up looking like this...
Was it worth it?

hmmm......

My husband reads my blog, so not sure I should be honest, otherwise I may end up here again...


Would it still be worth it?......

Hmmmm


I think I will stick to no comment!












Sunday, 17 February 2013

Pregnancy spanking position

I miss being able to go over my husband's knee.



I never thought I would say it but spanking is less intimate these days.  I miss being able to hold onto his knees and bury my face!

Nowadays spanking is much more clinical.  In and out, get the job done then have a cuddle.  I'm not sure if this is better or worse, I think I am used to it now.

His new spanking position is rather different.

He now gets me to stand facing the corner of the bed and when I bend over my legs are automatically either side of the corner of the mattress, with my body resting on my elbows and face buried in the duvet. - It is rather an intimate position.

Apart from the odd incident with a heavy rubber spatula (heavy here is the operative word - yikes!), everything else has just been with his hand.

He hasn't needed much more than that, for two reasons. One, I am better behaved since I conceived and two, I am also more sensitive to pain.  Less is more at the moment, I also am very submissive before, and during, punishment and I get the point very early on.  This means for my husband that he doesn't have to punish me as much.

It does mean though that he seems to spank me every week for something or another.  I think he enjoys it, he seems to find a lot of reasons at the moment, none of them particularly serious.

I don't mind.  I am feeling very submissive and can cope with regular low level spanking.  It is lovely to feel our roles being constantly reaffirmed and my hormones are making me even more madly in love with him than usual!

Long may it last.

Thursday, 7 February 2013

Pregnancy makes me very submissive

Carrying my husband's baby is such a lovely experience for me.



It is different this time.  The first time was so new and each day was about the new experience.

This time it feels so sensual and loving.  I feel so completely and utterly his with his child inside of me. Me protecting our child and he, protecting all of us, so well.

When we conceived, it had been around a year since we had a terrible miscarriage  that left me very poorly and in hospital, needing a blood transfusion.

It took me just over six months to get over the fear of how ill it made me and I then started to crave another child.  There is something so primal about breeding, I can't control my need to procreate, no matter how hard I try.

It did however, take my darling boy much longer to feel ready again.  Perhaps double the time it took me.  He told me that as I lay in the emergency room, watching doctors frantically attempt to prevent me from losing so much blood, he thought that I could die.

It took him 15 months to disconnect this from having another child and once he had decided the time was right, he made it his intention to impregnate me.

I had no idea that he had decided the time was right, until he told me so, just as he was removing my clothes in the bedroom!

'I'm going to impregnate you' he whispered into my ear as he removed my Tshirt.

There was something incredibly humbling about the whole experience (which took just over a week to achieve!)

The very act of me submitting to his decision for another child, his control over the process, his success, I don't think there has ever been such an instance to make me feel utterly his, protected by him, but also at his mercy and whim.

It was both arousing and humbling.

Now I am very obviously pregnant, with a waddle and everything! He adores it when I am pregnant.  He finds me so arousing.  What more can a man do to show the world that his lady belongs to him, than to proudly walk arm in arm with her down the street as she quite obviously carries his child.

My darling man works as a musician and 4 or 5 nights a week gets home after I have fallen asleep.  Each night I am awoken to his arm wrapping around me, in our bed, his hand searching under my nightdress to my belly, where he cups our unborn child and wraps us both in his caring protective arm.

I love having his child inside me and I am so lucky to be able to do so.

Last night, as we were making love, he said to me, 'I don't want this to be our last child, I think I need more'.

I think it was the most romantic thing he has ever said to me.

Perhaps our vision won't be so rose tinted after we remember how little a new born baby sleeps!


Sunday, 3 February 2013

It's a girl!

So I am now 22 weeks pregnant and my husband and I have just found out that we are having another girl.

Hoorah!


My husband is very happy indeed, he said, 'I love having ladies to protect and take care of'.

Love him!

Saturday, 26 January 2013

200,000 page views

A big thank you to all those who have read my blog, especially those of you who comment.

I have recently reached 200,000 and it seems an unbelievable achievement in a relatively short space of time, so thank you.

I know there are some fab blogs out there who say a lot more and who have a lot more blogging credentials than I but thank you kindly everyone.

C

Wednesday, 23 January 2013

I have learnt to submit to my husband

When I started this blog I wrote a post with a similar title, but the content was basically me ranting about that fact that I had no idea how to submit to my darling man.


Last night I had an epiphany.  I realised for the first time that I feel like I know what it takes.  

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying I have all the answers but I feel successfully submissive and my husband is successfully leading and strong at the same time.

It is simple really, I am as loving and supportive as I can be and I show him respect.

I am stating the obvious really to anyone who knows us.  I pride myself in being a submissive wife and when I say that, I don't mean in a demeaning way.  All I mean is that I respect my husband's decisions in all things, or at least I try to.  Sometimes I don't realise that I am ignoring his leadership, and he takes me to one side, gives me a dominant look and reminds me to think about my approach.  99% of the time I realise that he is probably right and I give in (swallowing my pride has taken a few years to master).

Sometimes I really don't agree with him, and I have now found a calm way of telling him so.  I used to, in a cliched woman-like fashion, fly off the handle and become angry and irate, especially when confronted by a cross husband but now I have naturally calmed my nature and I remain respectful.

It has taken over two years to get here.  Some of that time has been difficult, and I realise that it was probably quite dangerous to embark on such a lifestyle when our marriage was so new and happy.  For us it was never a marriage saving option but something to sustain our strength and happiness and it has done that.

There were times, when my husband had me over his knee, that I remember thinking I would never get it, I didn't think I would ever find a way of settling into a norm, where I naturally follow his lead and guidance.  I also, though I am embarrassed to admit it, found the adrenaline of dodging his wrath rather addictive.  But now we are us, we are happy and strong and he leads and I follow.

My pregnancy has helped us to balance things.  He has learnt to guide me more with words rather than his spanking hand! As I have learnt to calmly accept his position as head of our household.

I have had a lot of negative comments over the past few months, which don't bother me, I am happy for everyone to have their opinion.  In fact I would have been horrified and would have reacted in the same way before I began this lifestyle.  What I don't understand though is that many of these people make presumptions.  They think that because I am happy and for my husband to have the final say and occasionally put me over his knee, that the following things are also true:

I am unhappy or dissalutional
My husband is nasty and a violent bully
I am a beaten wife
I am crazy
I should be able to spank my husband in order to find equality
My children are spanked
My children witness a violent or negative relationship 

It is funny actually because we are none of the above.  If you met us or knew us well you wouldn't believe any of these things.  To other people, and I know because they have told me, we are very loving, happy, enjoy life, we clearly love each other's company and we are often a good example to other people when it comes to marriage for young people.

If you met my husband, he comes across as gentle and funny, intelligent and laid back, but strong.

If you met me you would think that I am slightly quirky, confident, sociable and artistic.

Our daughter is very happy and very loved, she is a delight and makes everyone laugh all the time.

Allowing your husband to take the final say in things really makes a difference.  We watch friends and family battle for leadership in their relationships and it is so destructive for them and their children.

One of my friends said the other day 'my boyfriend said he would leave me if I cut my hair short' and another, when going for a pregnancy scan said, 'he wanted to find out the sex, but I wasn't going to to, I said, It's my body so you can't do anything without my permission'.

So many of the situations that we witness could easily be improved with a little more respect on both parts.  In society I am a big believer in equality when it comes to the sexes, homosexual marriage or racism, and that is the same in my marriage.  I am not expected to be my husband's slave, we share tasks in the house, when I am working or he is working, the other steps up.  

But in societal powere someone is always in charge.  Communism was a lovely ideal of equality in power, but it didn't work did it? It's the same with my marriage.  We are equal in lots of ways but when it comes down to one of us taking the lead or having the final say, my husband is there to take on his role.

And it works just fine.



  



Saturday, 19 January 2013

Love and Guidance

After my last post a few lovely people said that it was nice to see me blogging again.  That really touched me so thank you.

In Paris my darling husband was wonderful.  He was strong and protective  loving and guiding, just what I needed after such a terrifying week. But there was one moment in particular that really stood out for me and, I have to say, that I think it sits among the top 5 most romantic moments of my life (needless to say all are with my beloved).

We had been on a long walk, exploring the nooks and crannies of Paris.  We were back at our flat and I was sat on the sofa with a cup of chocolat chaud.  I was chilled and shivering.  I don't think it was from the cold so much, though it was bitter in the French city, I think it was more down to the fact that I was exhausted.  I had spent a week fearing that I was, once again, loosing my baby and at 19 weeks pregnant, I was terrified of the reality of what may be involved in the following few weeks.

I felt drained, as if all of the positive energy and the will power and feisty-ness that he loves me for, had been sucked out of me.

I was sat on the sofa, staring at my book, not really reading, feeling like, if I stood up, my legs would give in underneath me.

I saw it before it happened.  From the corner of my eye, my darling boy was looking at me worried.  He stood up and walked towards me.  He calmly took hold of the book in my hand and placed it on the table.  He then took the mug from my other hand and placed it on the same table, with the care and attention and gentleness that our hective lives often blind us to.

He then opened his hand towards me to help me off of the sofa and said in a gentle voice, 'come with me'.

I followed him as he lead me to the bathroom.  The room was warm and cosy with clean towels on the sink, crisp and white and welcoming.

He walked me inside and closed the door.  He clasped my head carefully in his hands, nurturing and loving, and kissed me softly.  Then he turned on the shower.

He turned towards me again and began to undress me.  Still with the same slow, gentle and loving movements, he took off my cardigan and my dress. He removed my shoes and my tights and finally he carefully removed my bra and knickers, stripping me from worry and fear, taking control and leading me into safety

The room was warm and inviting.  I still felt week and shaky but calmer and loved and safe.  There was something in his gesture, something in his loving and gentle touch that soothed my fears.  I knew in that moment, in that act of love and kindness that he would protect me and look after me, that I wasn't alone and whatever happened, I would be safe and we would be together through it all.

He kissed me again softly, then guided me towards the shower.  He removed his clothes and came in with me.  He gently took a bar of soap and, lathering his hands, carefully began to wash me.  He warmed up my cold and shaky skin, he washed away the torment and the frown lines, lovingly massaging me as he went, soothing me.

He carefully cleaned every part of me and cuddled me softly under the warm, flowing water.
Turning the tap off, he lead me from the shower and enveloped me in a large fluffy white towel that had been warming on the radiator.  He half cuddled and half rubbed my wet body until it was dry.  He then led me to the bed and tucked me into the crisp white linen.  

He dried himself and joined me between the sheets.  It was barely 5 O'clock.  The Parisian streets outside were sill bustling.  The french bistro on the corner with just opening expecting its' first after-work drinkers but we were lying in bed.  Not to sleep, or rest, but to stop.  To take an hour out of our busy lives, where we had been filled with fear and worry.  Time stood still in that bed or maybe we made our own time.  Just me in his arms, safe and loved, he, wrapping his arms around me. Protecting me, cherishing me.

After making love I laid in his arms safe and warm.  Life didn't seem so scary and my fear dissipated, if only for an hour or two, disappeared out into the cold, January, bustling street outside.

In that moment I realised that my man was there for me.  Something I had always known but my fear and thoughts and worries had clouded my vision.  The reality of our situation, the reality that we could still loose our baby was there and real, but the fears and questions surrounding it were no longer there, no longer prevalent.

My strong, leading husband had blanketed me from them.  We were in it together, as we always have been, as we always will be.  Together.  I am very lucky indeed.

C