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Friday, 25 May 2012

I did the unthinkable!

Sometimes when my womanly, hot-headed, feisty self is at the forefront of my mind, I do things that I can't believe I have done.

Things that I think, 'C YOU FOOL!'

For instance, shouting, 'oh F-off' in response to a lecturing husband, when I just want to be left alone.  Or saying, 'shut up will you', when my husband is telling me off about something while I'm busy hanging out the washing.

I honestly can't believe I do things like this.  I am not a nasty person.  I spend a great deal of time thinking about other people's feelings and about being kind to others.

Also my darling husband is kind, gentle, loving, leading, sensitive and does SO SO much for our family, he doesn't deserve such disrespect.

Obviously when these things slip out of my mouth my HOH goes mad.

But before he flips out, and comes down on me like a ton of bricks (or ton of implements!) there is a period of time when time stands still.

It is about the amount of time for my husband's brain to compute, 'did she just say that to me?' Then when that time is over, the fuse is lit, the bomb explodes and the rampaging bull steams through the house towards wherever I happen to me.

I feel like some film character in the wake of some hurricane or stampede.


Once he was lecturing me as we got ready to go out.  I was getting some shoes from the cupboard and I felt like he was going on and on, really laboring the point about something.

And I said, 'ok ok, shut up', it was really accidental and I didn't really mean it.

He was two feet away.  The second I said it, fear filled my chest and I braced myself for the inevitable.

As he rushed towards me at 100 miles an hour I managed to get a hasty, 'I'm sorry' out of my mouth, before I was turned around, bent over the table, skirt lifted up and swatted hard 10 or so times as he lectured me in rhythm to his movements.

SMACK, 'you' SMACK, 'will' SMACK, 'not' SMACK, 'speak' SMACK, 'to me' SMACK, 'disrespectfully'...

Then on another occasion I was moaning about something that was vexing me, in a womanly nagging, annoying kind of way, as I went upstairs, stomping as I went, like some spoiled teenager.  

He was still telling me off, as I got onto the landing upstairs, when I said not very loudly, 'oh for f-sake, give it a rest'.

Again time, the universe everything stopped for the time it took for my beloved to gather momentum.

Then I heard the pounding of his footsteps up the stairs.

I don't think there is anything more scary than an angry, disrespected husband charging up the stairs to straighten his wife out.

I stood in the hallway, praying that the staircase would go on forever and he wouldn't catch me.

He ran up to the top step, charged down the hall way grabbed me by the sides of my arms and lectured me about disrespect in a scary I'm in control here voice.  I was then whisked away into the bedroom and you know the rest!

So I have no idea which part of my brain does this, but I would very much like it to give in to the submissive side and stop turning me into a monster.

Today's episode was the worst yet.

We were getting out of bed.  I had constantly been snippy and had been reminded of this more than enough times.

I was tired and grouchy, still from over doing it, and my HOH had had enough.

As I climbed out of bed irritably, I said my last snippy comment just as my HOH slapped me hard on the backside.  My irritation rose, anger ensued and I kicked him.

Oh my gosh, I actually kicked him!

Not the hard, foot-ball kicking type, just a nudge with my foot, but a kick nevertheless.

I had lashed out in frustration, the first time yet!

He was horrified.

He pushed me straight back onto the bed and held me there by my arms and shouted, 'HOW DARE YOU DO THAT TO ME'.

He was shocked and taken aback, and I was shocked and taken aback.

Just as the Big Boss Man was deciding what course of action to take, my daughter called us from downstairs.

Saved by the child!

To be honest my attitude and lack of submission has been building recently.  I know I have it coming.

I have been working so hard, and he has too as well as being away, so time has allowed things to slip by.

But not for much longer.

He is off this weekend.

He told me earlier, 'We need to have an attitude readjustment' - Oh great, I really don't like the sound of that one!

We shall see what happens tomorrow, and see how he helps to steer back onto the path of submission and back into the shoes of a graceful wife!






Thursday, 24 May 2012

Exhaustion makes my bottom ache

I am soooooooooooo tired at the moment, it is unreal.



I am working every hour God gives to produce work for my exhibition, as well as getting my little girl up and bathing and putting her to bed each evening.  In addition I have also been going out once a week or so in the evening.

It is simple, there are not enough hours in the day to do what I need to do.

I get home shattered, crawl into the kitchen, clean up, put a wash on, sit down for ten minutes, then its bed time with my baby.

Stupidly I have also been going out in the evening.  Last night, I was out all day, out in the eve, 6 hours sleep, then doing it all over again.

My body has finally given up.  I am so tired I am cranky, tired, tearful and am in bed now at 7pm!

Why has my HOH allowed this to happen? I hear you ask.

Well he has been away too! Everything just mounted up, and ended in me feeling like this.

It is my fault. If my darling husband actually thought about it, I have neglected to look after myself, which is a rule.

But to be honest I am scathing the surface of a spanking anyway.

I saw him for ten minutes this eve, as I came home and he left to go to work.  It was the first time we had seen each other in 36 hours. And despite that, I still got a, 'do we need to go upstairs?'

In fact I think he asked me that twice.  Then I got a 'look at me' lecture, where he told me that, no matter how tired I am, there is no excuse to be disrespectful.

poop


I lost all submission or inclination to be submissive last night.

I was told to come home and be in bed for midnight.  Now of course I am tired and overdoing it, I would have likely been home earlier than that anyway.  But I resented not being trusted to make that decision.

I text a Dd friend of mine, 'I'm not feeling submissive' I said.

'Is it worth the consequences?' She said.

'Sometimes I'm not sure' I said, 'but I am too tired to rebel tonight!'


It is true I have never claimed to be a natural submissive.  I have never followed authority well.

My lecturer at University once said to me, 'C, I can see that you feel you need to be in an institution all the time, but only so that you can break the rules'.

I do not like a spanking. Heck I have been caned twice in the past seven days.

But sometimes I think, 'is a spanking so bad?' 'I REALLY want to do X.Y.Z - I can cope with a spanking just this once can't I?'

And then comes the knicker around ankles event and I realise that sadly, no it isn't worth it.

Somehow I can't quite make that connection yet.  The, stupid rebellious act = sore backside.


Maybe one day I'll get it!



Wednesday, 23 May 2012

Submitting gracefully

Me, 'Darling, can I go out tonight please?'

Him, 'Who with and where are you going?'

Me, 'Becky's house, it's her birthday BBQ'.

Him, 'OK darling, but you know the rules, drink responsibly and be home by midnight please', he then gave me a few swats on the backside, just to drive home the point.

I hate this! Recently he has been working very hard, but my father has recently moved in down the road, so babysitting opportunities are plentiful.

I am also working very hard for my art exhibition, which is coming up and so am burning the candle at both ends.

He knows that I have, in the past got silly with alcohol, but I haven't for a very long time.  I also have been relatively well behaved recently.

I am however, thoroughly fed up with having my freedom capped.

He uses my recent boom in social life, as a test to prove my submission and his dominance.

Often I submit and do as I am told, but it is such a test.

The last time when offered another drink (my limit was one as I was working the next day) I was so annoyed that I couldn't have another one.

It is really hard at the moment.  The thing is, I think I would honestly come home at a reasonable time and drink a reasonable amount, as I have allot of work to do.  I don't think he is trusting me enough, or giving me freedom to make the right choices for myself.

I feel very sulky at the moment!

Friday, 18 May 2012

The calm before the storm

It's coming...

The calm is eerie.

It has gone on for far too long.  It is now starting to spook me!

It's like I am in the eye of a hurricane, everything is silent but it shouldn't be, and something is just around the corner.



The calm I am referring to is my seriously un-spanked backside and the storm is my HOH's strict rules and discipline.

I haven't been spanked in a long while.

I haven't been punished.

After the last mammoth of a spanking, my bottom has remained relatively spank-free.

It has only been a couple of weeks but it feels like months!

I don't normally see out a week without a spanking.

I can feel myself being snippy, snappy and perhaps a wee bit attitudey.

Every now and then I will say something, realise the tone is wrong and wince as I expect the lecture, warning or look from the boss man - but lately it hasn't come.

I feel myself being given a bit more leeway here or there. That is great in theory but it ends in two ways.

Either a major slip up on my part, followed by a serious spanking.  Or, my HOH will change tacks and become uber strict again.

It isn't his fault, we have both taken our eyes off the ball of life at the moment.  He and I are working frantically and he hasn't been well.

I mean, it's not like I am off the hook.  I have been told off a few times and lectured.

The problem is that with no spanking recently it feels slightly odd.

It feels like I am floating around in limbo and need anchoring down.

The boss man thinks this too.

He told me the other day, 'Darling, we are going to start maintenance spanking'.

Now, up until now I have been very smug about the fact that I don't get maintenance.

Most other Dd couples around me do but we never have.

So I have spent the last couple of years smugly prancing around, sticking my tongue out singing, 'na na na na na, I don't get a maintenence spank!'

But it seems I can now wipe the smug look off of my face!

My HOH said to me, 'We will start on Saturday and we will do it every week because you need it and I want your attitude to go away'.

So I shall obligingly go upstairs when asked on Saturday, and receive my, 'I'm gonna spank you because you need it and I'm the boss' punishment.

I'm not sure what will happen if I do something wrong on Saturday.  Will that negate the maintenance or be in addition to it?

I guess I shall find out!

C

Thursday, 17 May 2012

Lecture made me cry

So, if you have read my blog, you may have noticed that I can't cry.



Now this isn't , 'I can't cry during a spanking', but I properly can't cry.

The last time I cried (before this evening) was last year.  A whole year ago!

It does frustrate me but this just means that when I come close my brain thinks, 'oo ooo, I am about to cry, quick push out the tears' and then of course I shut down even more.

So this evening was a complete shock for me.

My darling man called me up on ignoring my daughter after I had been at work all day.

For me, being a good mother is paramount. For him, me not turning into my terrible mother is also an important thing.

So after an extremely busy month, working hard towards my first art exhibition, I came straight home and onto the computer.

I wasn't meaning to be rude, to break a rule, or to ignore my family.  I was expecting an important email and wanted to find a recipe for tonight's dinner.

The problem was, me being so tired I went straight in front of the screen and zoned out.  At the same time my darling daughter, who was delighted for me to finally be home for the day, wanted me to play with her.

I couldn't hear her asking, 'mummy can you play with me please'.  She was sat next to me asking me this when my HOH walked into the room to see me on the laptop! - gulp.

I completely agree I should not have done it, but to top it off, when affronted I became cross.

So when my husband fluffed himself up, marched straight over to me and demanded for me to put down the computer and play with our child, I snapped, 'I don't care'.

I was marched straight upstairs and sat on the bed.  He began lecturing me, quite rightly, and pointing out what I was doing wrong.

The problem was that in my head, the head that is terribly hurt by a bad mother and the head that is terrified of being a bad mother, I didn't hear it this way.

Instead I heard, 'You are turning into your mother'.

I started to panic and tried to leave the room. I wanted to run away from the possibility of being a bad mother - my biggest fear.

As I turned to run, he grabbed my arm, 'sit back down' he ordered.

I pulled against his arm.

'I'm not staying here' I shouted.

'Sit back down NOW, we are not finished'. He ordered again, this time with more ferocity and strength in his voice.

'I AM NOT SITTING HERE TO BE TOLD I AM MY MOTHER', I shouted and then the tears came.

I cried, properly cried, not an odd tear, they ran down my face like two rivers, releasing a tidal wave of pent up fear and anxiety.

He hugged me and I sobbed into his chest.

I felt terrible, guilty and awful.

My darling husband was surprised.  I never cry and I also don't express my feelings allot.  He had no idea that my feelings were so raw at that moment.  I was tired and exhausted and the two factors exploded.

'I wont let you turn into your mother darling' he said lovingly.

So, before Dd, a moment like this would have sent me spiraling downwards into a pit of depression, but since Dd something wonderful has happened.

Sure I still feel bad, but I have learnt and I am safe and confident in knowing that my HOH will not allow me to be like her.

What a wonderful Dd outcome that I never expected!

Wednesday, 16 May 2012

A gift from my HOH


Husband, 'Darling I have a surprise for you'.






Me, 'hooray! - I love presents'


Husband, with glint in his eye. 'Guess what it is'.



Me, 'Oh I love games'

'ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....................
could it be ...'



'Jewelry?... Rather hopeful...

Husband, 'Nope, guess again'.

Me, 'OK, could it be..............ummmmm.......



............A lovely evening out somewhere?'

Husband, 'No sorry sweetie, guess again.'

Me, Slightly impatient at this point for my gift
'Could it be......


...a pair of shoes?' Very hopeful and excited at the prospect.

Husband, 'No darling sorry, do you give up?'

Me, 'Yes, darn it, tell me, what have you bought me?'

Husband, produces parcel from out of a cupboard.

Looking at the shape I am completely confused.

What do I want which is long and thin?


I began opening the gift, as my husband said.

'It is something you need.'

'Sometimes you need it more than other days'

'And you recently broke one, so I thought I would replace it'.

Suddenly my heart sunk, I had a terrible feeling I knew what it was.

No.

It couldn't be, could it?


'Surprise darling!' He said, looking smug.

'There's one to replace the one your bottom broke last week'.


Wonderful!

What a kind husband I have!


Tuesday, 15 May 2012

Our Spanking Ritual

I was having a chat with a fellow Dder the other day.



 She was asking what we do in our spanking process.  I said to her that I would blog what we do so here it is.

Everything in life has it's ritual.  How you pour the milk on your cornflakes, how you place the toilet roll in the holder (mine has to face outwards).

And DD is no different.  In fact, if anything, I would say that DD has more ritual to it.

Our's is a carefully whittled procedure now, with my husband holding the chisel of course!

It starts like this, lets give an example of me being rude to him.



HOH, looking stern and down at me from his enormous height. 'I have told you already today, you WILL NOT speak to me like that.'

Me, sheepishly, hoping that I can still maintain some control of the situration and prevent a spanking, 'OK, I'm sorry'.

'Come and sit with me on the end of the bed' he says.  Gesticulating to the place where all punishments begin.

At this point I feel like I am walking towards the hang man's noose.

I scoot across the covers, reluctantly and sit on the end of the bed, always on his right and face him legs crossed, awaiting the lecture.

I begin by looking down, ashamed and scared, dreading the spanking that will surely follow.

'Look at me please' he says, stern but calm and always undoubtedly in control.

I look at him in the eyes, probably with those puppy dog eyes that say, 'please don't spank me'!
But they never work!

Then the lecture starts.

'Do you know why I am going to spank you?' he says.

'Yes, because I was rude to you', I say, really hoping it won't be a bad one.

Then he asks me questions, generally where I will incriminate myself further, by telling him silly things like 'I like being rude to you' or 'well I don't care, you deserved me speaking to you like that'. I'm not sure why these things pop out of my mouth at the worst possible moments!

Then the spanking part begins.

'Stand up please' he says, with no emotion in his voice whatsoever.

So I do as I am told, ever the submissive wife (that so isn't true - but I do try!)

I stand there, sometimes with my hands covering my eyes, to prevent me from really acknowledging the embarrassment that I am feeling.

He then lifts up my dress and pulls down my underwear/tights, or whatever I am wearing.

'Bend over my lap' he says, again with no emotion.  In control, in charge, strong but trusting tone to his voice.

I then bend over his lap, knickers around ankles, to put my head on the bed and instantly grab a pillow. I do this for a few reasons.  One, I like to know that I can muffle my screams in something! Two, it is rather comforting, and three, it is always nice to have something to bite down on in the case of a severe spanking!

Then it begins! I can usually tell by the severity and length of the warm up how bad the spanking is going to be.

He usually starts by warming me up pretty gently.  This allows me to get into the right head space, but also for the tissue in my backside to prepare itself for the onslaught that is about to hit it!

He gets into a warm-up rhythm where he spanks and rubs, before his hand has left my buttocks.
Then after 40 or so, he stops and rubs my backside, rather hard, like he is trying to kneed bread dough!

Then the actual spanking begins, and always with the hand.  Years ago he read up on how to effectively spank with his hand, so as to leave him relatively unharmed, but leaving me sore.  The way I understand it from my end (litereally) is that he touches me for a relatively little amount of time, almost like a circle swinging motion.  His hand is rigid, swatting all over the area, very effectively, building up intensity as he goes. His method is so effective that it often feels like he is using the paddle.

Then after 20-40 (this is my approximation, I really don't know how many he does, I have tried counting but am a little distracted!), he stops again and rubs again.

I hate it when he rubs it again, it generally means that there is worse to come with his hand.

Then he repeats the hand spanking, this time harder still.

Then depending on what I have done he will reach for an implement.

He says, 'Now lie over the bed please'.  I slither off his lap, not removing my face from the pillow, and lie so that my body is flat on the bed, but my rear end hang of the end of the bed and my legs are on the floor.

At this point I am always nervous.  I hear the creak of the wardrobe door, the fumbling around inside the wardrobe to pick his implement of choice, and then I hear him close the door.

Either that, or I hear him undoing his trousers and the jingle jangle of his belt as he pulls it through his jeans.

Then the final part begins.  If it's the cane or the switch, he gives me 15-25 depending on the offense. If it's the paddle, it can be anywhere up to 35/40 and if it's the belt, he tends not to give me a number.

After the last one, I lie panting in the bed, face still in the pillow.  He lies next to me for a moment, strokes my hair and says gently 'it's over now sweetheart'.  The disciplinarian voice has gone, and the caring, gentle, sweet and loving voice is back.

'Get onto my lap darling' he says, still gently.

My instinct is to lie there and feel sorry for myself at this point and not cuddle him as he asks, but I want to obey, and I know that it will make me feel better.  So I gather myself up and sit on his lap legs up to my chest and cuddling into his.  He envelopes me in his huge and loving arms and kisses me on the top of the head.

'Lie down with me' he says.

And then I get into bed and he too, and we lie together, sometimes for half an hour.  Often I apologise at this point, and he always replies with, 'I know darling, it's OK, it's over now'.

Sometimes we make love at this point, but sometimes not, it all depends on the moment and the situation.

Then after the cuddling we get on with our day with the balance restored.

Have a lovely day everyone.
C




Sunday, 13 May 2012

Model wife?

My HOH has long had an obsession with projecting an image of mutual respect and love to others when in public.

Last night we went to a wedding.

This would normally have been a wonderful occasion, except that the last wedding we went to, I drunk too much and kicked him in the gentlemanly area!



I'm not proud of this, but it was a long time ago (a year!) and before we really found our comfort zone between HOH and respectful wife.

My HOH, being a musician, often plays at the wedding that we are invited to, in fact I don't think we have ever been to one where he hasn't played!

So this means that it isn't just a wedding, where most of our friends are, but also a working environment for him.  So you can see why I am expected to be on my best behaviour at such events.

I woke up in the morning in a foul mood.

I have recently been over doing it, working too hard, going out too much, and have been poorly as a result.  This meant that I was rude to my beloved, I was snappy and angry and this culminated in me smacking his bottom!

Well ladies and gents, this is never going to go down well to any HOH, and I am a fool for doing it.

So at 8am, before my friend's wedding, I found myself, pajamas down my ankles and over my husband's knee quicker than you could say 'spankedwifeUK'!

He told me that I was rude and had an attitude and that I needed to behave today like a 'model wife'.

I'm not sure what this means.

Does it mean that he wants me to be like this...



Or like this...




or this...




No I know what he means.  He wants me to be respectful and loving and to behave properly towards him and others and not to get overly drunk.

So did I?????

Well I'd say so.

Yes there was a time in the day when I was quite rude to him in public but I hope he gave me that one for free! - fingers crossed.

When he was with his band mates, I stood on his arm and smiled and nodded in the correct places.  I didn't embarrass him and I didn't get drunk (well not too drunk! ;) )

Have a lovely day everyone.

C

Friday, 11 May 2012

I'm in love


I have recently had a great deal of negativity projected around me.  There has been some online and some comments on here, but also in my private life.



I am often astonished that people are so negative and self-centred.  I have had great sadness in my life but I am so lucky, I am thankful each hour for what I have been given.

So to mark that and to remind myself just how lucky I am, I wanted to write on here to express what  I am thankful of.

I have a wonderful father, who loves me very much, a gorgeous and intelligent daughter and I live in a beautiful country, where I can have great education for my kids, great health care and I am very fortunate that life’s lottery placed me in this world.

But for the purpose of this blog, I want to focus on one particular part of my life that makes me particularly happy – my wonderful husband.

Otherwise known as The Big Boss Man, or my HOH.



My darling HOH and I met 6 and a half years ago in a sleepy town in Dorset.  I was here working as a journalist, waiting to go to university and he was here playing a gig in a local bar.

I was not a local, I had come back from living in Mexico and I needed somewhere to stay so went to live with my parents, who had relocated 100 miles from my hometown.

I had met a new friend and we decided to go out for the first time.  That first night out, was to the bar where my future husband was playing.

We walked in, past the musician and to the bar, where we ordered a bottle of wine, then went to sit upstairs.  I looked at the musician as I passed him and thought, ‘oo he’s attractive.’

That evening my friend and I got to know each other to the background music of my future husband’s beautiful voice and guitar.

I would never have thought that that wonderful singing giant (he’s 6 foot 7), would be my amazing husband, he seemed beyond my league, somehow intangible.  But little did I know, we are now happily married with a beautiful daughter.

So that was almost seven years ago, so where are we now?

Other people who we know often ask us, how are we so happy.  This used to happen before DD too but DD certainly helps.

My wonderful husband is so talented, he has no idea that when he sings he can have every person in the room in the palm of his hand. 

He is so handsome, so loving and caring, he does everything to ensure that his family are cared for, protected, well fed and happy.

He works so hard to ensure we are all looked after.

He is strong and leads with his head held high, full of pride, at the wonderful family that he has created.  But he is also wonderfully sensitive and when touched in a certain situation he can crumble and needs to lie in my arms cuddling me.

He is passionate and gets fired up about things, so enthusiastic about his passions and hobbies that he could bend your ear for eternity and still not repeat one fact.

I feel safe in his arms, secure, loved, protected and looked after.

He holds me to account for my mistakes because he knows that it makes me stronger and us stronger as a whole.

I love him so very much, I feel part of him, I feel we are the same person, two halves of a whole.
So thank you darling.  You work so hard for us in many many ways and yet you do it with a smile.
I love you so much my sweet heart. Thank you.

Thank you for reading this post.  May I ask one thing of you? Please be grateful for what you have.  Even in times of great sadness, we all still have wonderful things around us that we can be thankful for.  It is sad when people cannot see these things, but instead focus on unhappiness or frivolities.
Have a wonderful day.
C

Wednesday, 9 May 2012

Interview with my HOH

OK, so I know my HOH has his own blog (spankinghusbanduk.wordpress.com), but he has been so busy lately that I thought that I would interview him on here.

I always love too see an insight into the partners of blog writers, so here's mine.  I think it is particularly fitting, especially after the last spanking that I wrote about and many of you have commented on it's severity.

So I hope you enjoy it.


How did you feel about the prospect of DD, before we started it?

I was intrigued and could understand how, in theory, it could be very beneficial to a couple with a relationship dynamic such as ours.
However I was unsure how it would work in practice with human nature being the way it is.


At the start how did it make you feel?

It almost feels like being assertive, as a man, is taboo in modern society and asserting my authority and expecting and demanding that it be acknowledged and expected, almost felt like I was reaching for a forbidden fruit.  I thought, can this exist? Is this allowed? Will the society boundaries that are put upon us as people, allow us to do this with a clear conscience.

How did you rectify those feelings?

The more you do something the more natural it seams.  I pushed myself into doing it.
Whatever you do, when you change something in your life, diet, employment, it always feels odd to start with, but when you do something all the time, it becomes a part of what you do, if you do something enough it isn't weird any more.

Tell me about what you can remember about the first punishment you gave me.

I remember not reacting to it because I was so focused on doing it right.  I didn't have time to process the way I felt about it.  Afterwards I felt reassured because of your reaction to it.  You seemed chastened by the punishment and you received it gratefully.  You reacted to it in the best possible way because you need it in your life,  it was you donating your backside to the cause, in exchange for a better life and a deeper understanding between the two of us.

Do you think that DD would benefit other people?

Yes definitely, many many people.  We live in a culture that minimises male authority and maximizes opportunities for a woman to be willful and irresponsible if they wish.

Has dd made you sexist?

No it has made me aware of reverse sexism and how suppressed men are and how society expects the alpha male to shut up and do as he's told.  It is a disease of society and it is no more or less a disease than sexism in its traditional sense.

At the end of the day, no person should be made to feel suppressed.  DD wouldn't work for a very strident and dominant, feminist woman perhaps.

I think you're wrong darling.

You have to be prepared to give yourself as a man, and allow yourself to be a man and a woman has to allow herself to be a woman otherwise it wouldn't work,  but we live in a society where men aren't allowed to be men and women are made to feel that they shouldn't be women in the traditional evolutionary sense.

Discussing my last spanking, what made you decide that course of action?

I consider stealing to be serious enough, let alone stealing from a family member.

I as hoh have to have a zero tolerance policy for that type of behaviour and it is not something that anyone can really judge without knowing the situation and the background and the people involved.  I completely stand by my decisions and I am 100% sure that the course of action I took was the right one.

Would you say DD has changed us?

I don't think it has changed us but it has enabled us to accentuate the positives in our relationship and minimise the negatives.

Am I different because of DD?

Your approach has changed and I feel you have learned allot about diplomacy, social subtlety and personal interaction.  I think you consider peoples feeling more and I think you pay more mind to the way your actions impact the lives of others.


Has it changed you?

No, but it has enabled me to access parts of my personality that were perhaps a little suppressed before. Such as my natural instinct and desire to be a leader and the person to make the decisions that ensure my family runs as smoothly, unsuccessfully and morally as possible.

That's a big responsibility.

I am up to the job, I wouldn't have taken it on if I wasn't.





Tuesday, 8 May 2012

Rules and consequences reviewed

After the monstrous spanking I got on Sunday, I had two reactions.



1) HOH I love you so much with all my heart, I'm sorry to have made you feel like that spanking was necessary.
2) I don't want a spanking ever again, so please HOH tell me what I have to do to avoid it!

I actually said both of those to him!

So we sat down and I asked him to tell me what rules were important and I asked him to give me black and white consequences to them.

This was really hard for him.  One thing you need to know about my beloved is that he is an artist!  He thinks like an artist and acts like an artist.

Not the painting type, but a musician.

He is a bit 'away with the fairies' sometimes, and so pinning him down on anything is hard to do.

I have often gotten a spanking because I have shot my mouth off and gotten cross after he has told me a million times that, 'I'll fix that dripping tap tomorrow darling'.

Love him, but there you have it.

Of course it isn't all bad.  He may not be the one who decorates (always me!), or mows the lawn (me again!) but I get some lovely extras.

During the first stage in our relationship, we shared a bed for the first time, (nothing naughty he said, 'I want to be close to you' - love him!).  I awoke to see him propped up on an elbow, staring into my eyes and with a smile he said, 'I've written a song about you'.

Now, for a commitment-phobe, I freaked out totally but what a sweet gesture.

So anyway, he's very arty-farty, as we like to say in the UK and so doesn't like to be committed to saying, 'you will get 30 lashes with the switch for saying the F-word'.
So after an hour, we came to a compromise and here they are, re-affirmed and tweaked a bit after a few years in his crazy world we call DD!








Disrespect

Three strikes and I'm out!
One warning, second warning with threat of action, third time spanked.

Lying
Immediate spanking

Drugs
Spanking + other things (to be decided later)
I would like to say, I don't do drugs, I think this is a 'just in case you are ever offered!'

Driving Dangerously
Spanking and withdrawal of privileges.
Been there a few times!

Embarrassing the Big Boss Man in front of others
Spanking with grounding

Disrespect in front of our children
Spanking

Drinking excessively
Situation based. 
And I quote, 'Well darling the punishment happens the next morning anyway!'

Disobedience
Spanking and corner time

Swearing
Three warnings then sauce

Respect all instruments
Keep clean and polished, if not - a spanking
Years ago I let my daughter play our piano with sticky fingers! - it was soon pointed out that that was a mistake.

Don’t put myself or others in danger
Spanking + grounding

 Internet
An hour during our daughters nap, if J is here 15mins in the eve, if he’s not 2 hours.
Internet removed for a week.

Curfew
11pm + no replying to messages after 11.
Spanking.
Multiple times shortening curfew

Cleaning
Keep house clean in the morning – washing up, tidying, kitchen, living room, minimum one wash a day.
Spanked if house 'goes to hell'.

No interrupting
Lecture
I used to get spanked for this as I was terrible, but I don't do it any more, hoorah.  That's one to DD!

Look after myself
No excessive eating, drink enough water, personal hygiene, eat three meals a day
Lecture, if J has to repeat himself – spanking.
If persists – structuring meal plans.
I would like to add here, I am clean, shower at least once a day and am a lovely smelling woman! Also I used to be an anorexic when I was young, so J is preventing a relapse here!

Look after Daughter properly
If she isn’t being looked after properly, write an essay and lecture.
Again, I feel I am a good mum, we bake, we do sticking, we play in the garden.  This was added after my request as I have a huge fear of turning into my mother and so now J can ward off any bad behavior before it starts.

So there you have it, our freshly polished rule, all shiny and reaffirmed.

I think I will have them laminated and placed on the wall about the kitchen sink!

Have a lovely day all.

C


Monday, 7 May 2012

Punished for stealing

OK, so a week ago I blogged about the fact that I had just stolen something from my mother.
(Feel free to read it, before you judge me entirely!).

So He spent the week deliberating over my punishment and this is what he finally decided.



1) Arrange a coffee date with my mother to give back the thing that I stole and to develop more of a relationship.
2) 500 lines in best hand writing, with no spelling mistakes entitled 'I must not steal from my family'
3) Severe spanking

So the lines are ongoing, the meeting has not yet been arranged, but the spanking is over.

He preempted the spanking by saying, 'This will be long and you aren't going to like it, but you need to trust me and you need to be brave.'

Well I did trust him, it was long, I didn't like it and I wasn't brave.

I had made it into this huge thing in my head.  I was terrified. So when it came to lying there, I was unable to bear it at a very early stage.

Now this comes in waves.  I have laid there before for a good half hour and made no sound or movement, but this time I was a complete baby.

I desperately wanted to submit to him and to take responibility for my actions, but I just couldn't lie there and take it.

Yes fair enough it was long and horrible.

It went on for over an hour and a half! (okay so allot of this was me sat up, refusing to lie down).

The strong HOH he is, he was calm throughout, well mostly.

His strategy for my refusal was mixed.

He spent a long time coaxing, a long time repeating that I needed to lie down.  He stroked me, he coaxed me, he got angry with me.

So what did he do, I hear you ask?


Of course!


Evidently!


Unfortunately!


Definitely!


The strangest thing was that I wasn't resentful at all towards my wonderful husband.

I loved him more at the end.  It was clearly hard for him.

The lecture was long, a good half an hour.  He told me how disappointed he was with me and that he had no choice other than to give me the hiding on my life! (my phrasing here!)


By the end I was cuddling his lap as I moaned that I couldn't lie there any more.

Although it took a long time, the length of time was a real bonding experience for us.

He felt that it was necessary and as head of our household, it was his job to do it.

I felt like the act was punishing me, not him.  It is hard to explain entirely, but it felt like the thing that I had done, the stealing part of my brain was wielding the belt.

Afterwards he said, 'Please make love to me, I need it'.

So I dragged myself up the stairs (walking hard at this point).

And we made love.  Later I asked him why he felt that he needed it more than normal.

He said, 'it was your vulnerability.  Your desperate want to go against your instincts and submit to me, despite it being painful.'

I told him, 'I don't ever want you to spank me again.
'I want you to tell me exactly in black and white what I have to do to avoid it.'

I also told him, 'I don't want to do boot camp'.

The thought of that spanking again, each day of the course drives me crazy! and the though of two more throughout the day.


So it is over.  I don't want to be spanked again! I want to be the best wife and mother I can be.

Let's face it, it's going to happen.  I'm going to be spanked.  I think my longest no spank period was two weeks!

But for now I shall endeavor to be good.

If you fancy dropping by for a cup or tea, please feel free.

You shall see me in the kitchen like this...



c


Friday, 4 May 2012

Submitting sucks

I am sat here, having walked home ON MY OWN, having left my friends all HAVING FUN WITHOUT ME, having not drunk ANYTHING (okay maybe one beer), and all because I am submitting to my husband.



ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!

Why! It just make's me want to stamp my feet and scream 'IT'S NOT FAIR'.

I have never been so reluctant to submit.  I either do, or I don't and I am not sure if this reluctance is a good thing or not.

Is it good that I did what I was told, even if I was reluctant, or does it defeat the object because I have not submitted lovingly?! answers on a postcard please (blog comment it fine! :) ).

So this is how it went....

Text conversation with husband (notice not the BIG BOSS MAN today - I'm thoroughly fed up!):

HOH:
                 "I have arranged for the baby to stay at my mum's so you can get some work done tomorrow...

(instantly on phone organising night out to make the most of not having my lovely little girl at home!)      

... but on one condition, don't go out drinking tonight, (woops, too late!), you have been sick and it will make you worse and you will waste valuable working time.  Make sure you do this for me please." (subtext: I'll whip your ass if your not in bed like the subservient wife I expect you to be)."

Me:
                 "Oh please can I go out, please please please, I rarely get the opportunity.  I can't work tonight anyway, I'm so tired."

HOH:
                  "Where are you going, and who with?  If you do an hour's work before you go, you can go out, but be back by 11 and your'e not to drink at all.

The conversation goes on then...

HOH:
                   "Yes you can go, they will understand if you tell them you have to leave early and your'e not allowed to drink (yeah likely!), If X (friend not named) was there you would arrive home at 6am, drunk, and having drunk six bottle of Jack Daniels and with an industrial spanking awaiting you!"

My HOH knows full well that after two glasses of wine I am on the floor, and I love my bed too much to be out to all hours.  Not to mention that we live in the country, and only one bar is open in our town late, and it shuts at 1.30-2.00!

The conversation goes on.  This is where I was a little cheeky.  I wanted to ask for more time on my kerfew, but like the perfect haggler, I knew he wouldn't allow me what I wanted, and instead come to a compromise to show that he is ultimately making the final decision.  So I asked him...

Me: 
                     "Darling, can I please stay out till 12.30 (I wanted to stay till 12, do you see my cunning plan?), the dinner party doesn't get going till 9.30 (actually 8.30 but didn't know this exactly)."

HOH:
                     "No worries darling, how's the day going?" (gotta love him!)

Me:
                     "May I have a glass of wine with dinner?" On writing this, I realise I am, pushing him allot on his rules today!)

HOH:
                       "OK, just one, but no drinking after please."

An hour later...

ME:
                  "I have had a beer, can I have a glass of wine too please?" (OK OK, I know what you are thinking, he gave me an inch and I took a mile right? well at least I asked!)

HOH:
                         "No darling, one drink only.  I've already been lenient on times, you not working and allowing you to drink at all, please respect my decisions." (the man's got a point!)

Me:
                          " I'm struggling to do that darling, there is little rational." (OK, perhaps rude I get that now! isn't Hindsight a glorious this!)

HOH:
                           "Here's the rational. You've got tons of work to do tomorrow, if you drink and have a late night you'll be tired an hung over tomorrow and not get as much done as you would if you didn't drink and had a good night's sleep.  Do as I ask please (he mean's tell!), I'm trying to help you."

Dang, I hate it when my HOH is right.  Just once I wish he wasn't!




So there you have it.  Ok, so I have softening in my thinking since I starting writing this.  He was fair and I was pushy and not submissive at all!  But I didn't drink more than one and I came home one minute over the curfew! There's something I guess!



Thursday, 3 May 2012

Still waiting for the judge's verdict

My HOH is still deciding on my fate.


I know he has 'sought council' and has asked other HOHs their opinion to help him decide what is the best course of action.

The jury has retired and are yet to come back with their verdict.

I feel like there is to be some public flogging or something.

Other's in the community, who I have admired for their strength as leaders are to advise my husband on what to do with me, his wayward wife - I am so ashamed at my behaviour.

When I was at school I was pretty naughty and was in trouble regularly.  Once, when I was about 15, I was in real trouble and ended up sat in the Deputy Head's office in front of four other members of staff, all deciding what to do with me.

That day ended in me having the worst punishment I ever had at school and I guess this time it will be the worst punishment in my marriage.

I am nervous.

I hate the waiting, it officially is horrible.


I am humbled by it too though.

I feel really submissive in my heart at the moment.  I don't know if it's the waiting, or the realisation that my husband is currently working hard to come to a decision to make me and us better.

Well whatever it is, I hope the submission stays.

I shall write about his decision when he tells me what is going to happen.

Take care all.

C

Wednesday, 2 May 2012

Stealing - The biggest challenge for my HOH?

Ok so I thought long and hard about posting this.

I am thoroughly ashamed and, at first, didn't want to own up to what I had done.

However DD is all about taking responsibility for my actions, so I figured I should post it on here as the first stage of me taking full responsibility for my actions.

What I did has to be premised by allot of explanation, so as not to show me as some sort of irresponsible reprobate.

I will keep it brief.

I have a terrible relationship with my mother.  Throughout my childhood she was neglectful and not very nice at all (putting this mildly!).

Then three years ago she acted even worse towards me and my father and sister, who is only 13.

She ran off, often not telling us if she was okay, she took drugs and acted terribly.

I have many difficult memories of this women, who unfortunately is my only mother figure!

Anyway, there's the background.

Although my husband and I are not Christians, we like to think that we live by Christian values.  One important one here is forgiveness.

I had thought up until now, that I had forgiven, or at least pushed it behind me as much as I could do.

I now realise, having been able to take a step back, that a pattern of destructive behaviour happened a while ago, and since then it has got worse and worse.

It only got worse and worse because I didn't acknowledge what I was doing to myself, or my husband, so neither of us was able to stop me.

A year or so ago, during my mother's absence I found a brooch that I had knitted for her as a gift, thrown to one side.  I immediately thought, 'Well if she doesn't appreciate me, someone else will', and I gave it to my best friend's mother, who has always been, in my eyes a great example of a mother.

Then a few more months went by and I found some old family photographs that I knew she loved, but that I also loved and thought, 'she isn't even in this family, why should she have these', and I took them without a second thought.

This went on for probably the best part of two years.  Things like dishes and knitting needles, things that I needed that she had.

I now realise that I was thinking, 'steeling this will go some way towards paying for all the hurt that she has caused me'.  It was like somehow, by taking from her, it was giving back everything that she had taken from me over the years.

Then yesterday I was helping to move my father out of the family home when I found £20 worth of vouchers from a department store in a drawer.

I thought about it for a split second and thought, 'she owes me' and put them in my pocket.

I think for some reason I felt like, she had removed all reason and had shown no behavioural standards at all over the years, so it felt like there was none.  Like all rhyme and reason had gone in the little space that she has inside my head.

It wasn't until hours later, when telling my husband did I realise how bad it was.

My HOH didn't punish me then and there, he said that he needed to think long and hard about it, so that what he chooses to do will be appropriate.  He said that, although he understands that I have been hurt and have gone through allot, I have done something terrible and need to be severely punished for it.

I know that the worst spanking I have ever had is on it's way and I know that I deserve it.
I hate being spanked, but I also hate this situation.  I think it may even help end the torment in my mind  that sometimes seems to be never ending.

But stealing is so so bad, it is not only illegal and immoral, but I keep thinking, what would I do if my child did that to anyone? even me?

I deserve what ever it is he chooses to do.

I am worried though.  He is struggling to come to terms with it, and he is struggling to know what will be the best course of action, I am even worried that he won't punish me enough.

I think that what ever punishment he gives me may be cathartic.  Perhaps it will allow me to cry finally.  I haven't been able to cry for years because of shutting all of this away in my mind.

What ever he chooses to do, I will respect it and him.

C




Tuesday, 1 May 2012

Do you live in the UK?



I know that many other Brits in the community often feel that many others are US-based.

I love the US - DDers on here.

But I thought it would be nice to see how many other UK people there are out there, especially ones that I don't know about.

Not sure why, perhaps it's the impending jubilee and I'm feeling patriotic!



So please please please comment to tell me that you are from the UK, for my own amusement, to see how many Brits read this!



Spit Spot, tally-ho, cheery-ho old chum...

Let's be patriotic!



God save the queen and a smacked bottom!



C

Boot Camp?

OK, so we bought Clint's wonderful book (http://learningdd.blogspot.co.uk/) over 3 months ago now.

I have been less than submisive and as soon as my college course is over (end of June), he tells me that we need to go through boot camp.

But bar Clint and his lovely wife Chelsea, I don't know of any others who have done boot camp, or any equivalent of.

Please comment if you have done boot camp.  I would love to have your thoughts.

C